POST-ELECTION FOLLIES Hey foax... Yer old pal Jerky was contemplating running an election blog again this year, but what do you know... it's already two weeks past! So, instead, here is a bunch of bullshit to divert and amuse you! I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU GUYS... AND PSYCHOACTIVE PHARMACEUTICALS!!! - YOPJ Just an aside... At the proper volume, and with some well-chosen chemical accompaniment, Led Zeppelin's Houses of the Holy becomes a vehicle of pure sonic transcendence. Your nerves vibrate and jangle in synchronous resonance with the strings of Jimmy Page's guitar(s). Your bones rattle and your chest thumps with John Bonham's joyous, violent drum kit assaults. John Paul Jones' supple and slithery bass notes anchor you ankle-deep in liquid golden light, and Robert Plant's banshee howl pierces your sinuses and plunges directly into your neo-cortex. What a goddamn fucking amazing album. Great news for all you Mike Malloy fans out there... after being unceremoniously dumped by Air America Radio (which then promptly went bankrupt), everybody's favorite fire-breathing talk-radio liberal is back on the air. Let's hope The Management gets it right this time. Holy SHIT that's humiliating... This is quite possibly the most batshit insane theatrical preview yer old pal Jerky has ever seen in his whole wretched farce of a life. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

CLASSIC DIRT Date: February 25th, 1999 -- proof of YOPJ's political non-partisanship! JACKIE-O DROVE SECRET SERVICE WACKY-O! Recently released files discovered by APB Online, a website specializing in security issues, suggest that Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis drove Secret Service agents bonkers with her conflicting orders and unreasonable demands. For instance, the much-widowed whiner once fired off a nasty letter to the organization's chief, demanding that agents stop "talking into their walky-talkies" and "tramping outside the children's windows all night long." She was quick to criticize, however, if the men in black ever screwed the pooch, once complaining that agents had "lost track of the children for two hours when they followed the wrong car out of the driveway." But beyond the temper tantrums and control freakery, the documents also suggest something more sinister. Some of the memos and letters give the distinct impression that Jackie, who enjoyed the royal treatment from her gilded cradle to her frigid grave, had somewhat of a mean streak when it came to her kids. When much lusted-after dum-dum John-John was roughed up and robbed of his bike and tennis racket, the wall-eyed living legend didn't seem to give a damn. "He must be allowed to experience life. I don't want him growing up to be a vegetable." Harsh words coming from a mother whose 14-year-old boy had just been knocked around by a gang of thugs in Central Park (not to mention the fact that John-John grew up to be a vegetable in spite of Jackie's unique approach to mothering). As for Caroline, in one written memo Jackie claims she would rather see her daughter shatter her bones in a horse-riding accident than live a life of sheltered comfort. Gee, Jackie... why bring it up in the first place?

THEY SAID IT! "When I awoke on December 13, 2000, my first thought was -- this is the first day of the worst years of my life. I lay there, attempting in vain to come up with just one redeeming quality possessed by the foolish little brute illegally foisted upon this republic by five black-robed fascists -- just one sliver of hope for the American people to escape the impending disaster of corporate pillage and rape. There was none." - Sheila Samples, writing for Political Cortex, expresses what yer old pal Jerky thinks is a pretty common sentiment. *** **** *** "I call on all Iraqis, Arabs and Kurds, to forgive, reconcile and shake hands." - Deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, after being sentenced to hang for the killing of hundreds of Kurds during the Operation Anfal crackdown in the late 1980's, tries to make nice. *** **** *** "Saddam Hussein is sentenced to death, and, uh... before you kill the guy, could you just ask him how to straighten out that country?" - Howard Stern, on his excellent Sirius satellite radio show, Monday, November 6, 2006. *** **** *** "From my point of view, I would ban religion completely. Organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings and it's not really compassionate." - Yer old pal Jerky hates agreeing with Elton John, but what can you do? *** **** *** "Madonna's adopted negro child will be making sex tapes with Britney's retarded babies. Celebrity life is grand." - Anonymous, with good reason.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Dave on Dope! An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal CT for sending in today's second joke. An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nan, and it takes the form of a news report about Sir Paul McCartney's woes... It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic. News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped!" "She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this!" After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather. It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was sign ed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on. Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over". Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless!" Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney" Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney: I lay upon a grassy bank My hands were all a quiver I slowly removed her suspender belt And her leg fell in the river. Lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOPJ; You have no idea (or maybe you do) how GLAD I am that there is even a hint of more Daily Dirt to come. I'm sure I am not alone when I say I would happily send you some cash if it meant that I would be able to continue reading the Dirt on a regular basis. Don't be too proud to beg. Your published list of other sites/blogs to tide us over is all fine and dandy, but they just ain't got that magic sum-thin', that CHAR-AZZ-MAH! You know how alotta times soft drinks at the drive-thru are kinda watery with lots of ice, and sometimes the mix is funky and you think to yourself silently "did they give me diet?" - but you really don't care because you're already burning outta the parking lot late for work. Then one day you're at some sorta get-together and the host has Mexican Coca-cola in the BOTTLE, served cold enough that whispery little ice crystals form when you pop the top, then you take a swig and its fuckin' AMAZING!!! YOU, my friend, are that bottle of Coke. The perfect blend served JUST right! Those other sites are just regular drinks out of the can, or fountain. A couple of them are austere enough to qualify as Diet Pepsi, or carrot juice. "The only man who is truly bankrupt is the one who has run out of ideas for making money." - Me, just now! [Dude, I know what you mean about Mexican Coca-Cola, and I'm flattered. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dearest Jerky, Thanks for doing your thing and letting all of your reader know a little about you over the past years. It's been my pleasure, my friend. You are right about your blog, being a much lighter and more humorous before we were invaded from within. That election really hurt us all. That's the good fight now; to not let these nut jobs "in power" continue to hurt us anymore by robbing us of our sense of humor. Keep The Faith, PETEfromOJAI [Thanks Pete. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, The last issue of Daily Dirt left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. Even though I had sort of smelled a rat, I hoped that somehow you could solve your problems. Reading the Dirt has been a great pleasure for 5 or 6 years (or more?). You are an intelligent guy with a good sense of humor. I used to go everyday to your website to see if there was a new issue because I didn’t get it all time in the e-mail. Of course I looked at all the free pictures as well! Even today I did so. I have not much more to say. I wish you all the best and, if it happens that you decide to come for a vacation in Seychelles, just drop me an e-mail. I’d really like to meet you. Sincerely: Franco Esposito [I appreciate the sentiment, Franco -- and the invite! -- but that wasn't technically the "last" edition of the Dirt. I was just explaining my protracted absence, and the slow-down in publication schedule. - Jerky] *** **** *** My ol' friend... As a friend, ya gotta take care of yourself first. Just the law. If you die the work sure won't get done. Something I remind myself from time to time. So get out, get a life loose some of those el-beees just don't loose any weight in that massive scrotum of yours. When everyone else on the goldern earth was scared to even dream bad thoughts of either puppet or puppeteer, you were slogging out the shit to anyone who could handle tits and ass on the sidelines. Hey maaan, the sentiments in the recent Dirt echo in my heart. Your faithful reader, Anam [You're far too kind, sir. - Jerky] *** **** *** Welcome back, a little late... To paraphrase, it is because of people like you that I know I am alive and well and not living solo in a nightmare. You will be missed even by my 'femanazi' spousal unit. She would send around your best political stuff, and some of the jokes. Some of your other stuff resulted in broken coffee cups. Take care of yourself. Mac [Okay, but we ain't buried yet! Keep checking this space! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerk, I've been reading your crap for years now and I just hope you don't get shut down before your predictions get proven true. Cause gawd damn man I've stuck with you this far and I'll be damned if I stop! Keep on keeping on, and if it makes you feel any better I'd rather read about politics than Madonna getting a new African kid and making it believe in what ever magic shit it is they believe. Adam0s [I'll try, man. - Jerky] *** **** *** Re: Kenron Lay's conviction reversal... Wow, and to think that WTC building 7 fell do to the terrorist, all the Enron case paper work was at! Odinski [Convenient, ain't it? - Jerky] *** **** *** Yes or no? Are we a Christian Nation? If "No", do we at least espouse Christian ideals? If yes, then how does this fit in? The Bush administration has told a federal judge that "terrorism suspects held in secret CIA prisons should not be allowed to reveal details of the 'alternative interrogation methods' that their captors used to get them to talk... even to their own attorneys." Administration lawyers also argue in court papers that detainees previously held in CIA sites "have no right to speak to lawyers because the new Military Commissions Act, signed by President Bush last month, stripped these suspects of access to U.S. courts." So, you guys thought you had it bad before? Well, now all your spouse or "significant other" has to do is contact our FBI or CIA (better choice) and "report" your "terrorist" activities and you go to jail with no rights at all. Yee-haw! Well, she just has to be a bit creative about it, and bingo, you're gone! It is the law according to this Republican (not really conservative) administration. It is Bush's Law. Read it yourself, and weep. And I was a Bush supporter, too. I am now sorry. Jenny [Some shit can't be un-crapped. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky Did it ever occur to you your site is biting the big one is because instead of trying to be humorous you were getting boring being a left wing version of Rush Limbaugh. ATB Steve [I only wish I was the left wing version of Rush Limbaugh. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com