NOW WITH THE GREAT TASTE OF PENIS! Did you ever wake up in the middle of the night with an insatiable craving for cock? Does the thought of popping a couple of fat, juicy testicles into your mouth cause drool to cascade uncontrolably down your chin? Do you have enough cash on hand for an overnight return flight to China's capital city? Well then, you're in luck, me bucko, because Beijing's hottest new dining establishment -- the Guolizhuang restaurant -- specializes in catering to people just like you! Yes, that's right... at long last, someone has opened a restaurant devoted exclusively to serving up the widest possible variety of edible genitals! "There are other restaurants that serve the bian of individual animals," enthused one happy customer, "but this is the first that brings them all together." So if you've got the fever for the flavor of a pecker, now you know where to go. But just in case you're still on the fence about this place, here's a list of the... TOP 13 DISHES AT BEIJING'S GUOLIZHUANG RESTAURANT! 13. Dick a l'Orange 12. Pan-Fried Trouser Trout 11. Cock au Vin 10. Pud Pudding 9. Fuck-Stick Fricassee 8. Tube Steak Smothered in Underwear 7. Roast Putz with Hand-Churned Nut-Butter Glaze 6. Boneless Boner Bourguignon 5. Garlic Cheese Glans on a bed of Fermented Sour Balls 4. Eight-Inch Etouffee with Stuffing 3. Blood Sausage with Pearl Necklace Garnish 2. Five Phallus Sample Platter 1. Jerky LeBoeuf Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 1 As of this day in the year 743 AD, because of an official decree, citizens of the Holy Roman Empire are no longer allowed to export their servants and/or children to slave traders from "heathen" lands. This might seem like a progressive move at first glance, but it had the unintended consequence of creating a white slave-trade deficit that sent shockwaves through the global economy. On this day in 1780, Pennsylvania becomes the first American state to abolish hereditary slavery. Children of Pennsylvania slaves were thereafter born "free"… to do what, exactly, Godzilla only knows. On this day in 1811, King Muhammad Ali Pasha, founder of the modern state of Egypt, personally oversees the murders of over 500 Mameluke warriors in a single day's slaughter. I don't have a joke, here. I just like the word "Mameluke". We don't use it nearly enough these days. On this day in 1932, Charles Lindbergh Jr, the 20-month-old son of Nazi-sympathizing aviation legend Charles Lindbergh Sr, is kidnapped from his nursery in New Jersey. The child's corpse would be discovered buried not very far from the Lindbergh home, two months later, after the family paid a $70,000 ransom. If any of you old-timers know any Lindbergh Baby Jokes, kindly send them to yer old pal Jerky. I'm chokin' for a chuckle! On this day in 1937, the first ever permanent automobile license plates are issued, in the state of Connecticut. Prior to that, drivers had to chalk in their license numbers on small blackboards that were affixed to the front of every vehicle sold. On this day in 1970, Family-man Charles Manson releases his first album. Entitled Lie, the folk-tinged collection of melodies fails to find an audience. You know, maybe if Manson had scored a gold record, things might not have soured so quickly for the hippies. In other words… it's a good thing it flopped!

THEY SAID IT! "Religion is an insult to human dignity. Without it, you'd have good people doing good things, and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, it takes religion." - Nobel prize-winning theoretical physicist Stephen Weinberg, as quoted by rabble-rousing evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins in his excellent Channel 4 documentary, The Root of All Evil. *** **** *** "No one anticipated the breach of the levees except the Director of the National Hurricane Center, the Director of FEMA, and a half-dozen other experts who implored Mr. Bush to take this storm seriously a full day before the hammer dropped. We are forced to get into some very large numbers today to accurately assess the body count from all the things the Bush administration would have us believe no one could have anticipated." - From the flying of planes into buildings to the failure of New Orleans' levies, our old pal William Rivers Pitt lays it all out in bite-sized, easy-to-digest info-nuggets.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by N8 Responsibilities! A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Kerusty for sending in today's second joke. A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nan or Ben... Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN GROCERY LIST care of: Henry Bent WEEK ONE Beans Bacon Coffee Whiskey WEEK TWO Beans Ham Coffee Whiskey WEEK THREE Beans Bacon Coffee Whiskey K-Y Jelly WEEK FOUR Beans Pancetta Coffee--espresso grind please Whiskey 2 tubes K-Y Jelly WEEK FIVE Some nice fresh Fava beans Jasmine rice Prosciutto--about 8 ounces, thinly sliced Medallions of veal--a pound at least Porcini Mushrooms A half pint of heavy whipping cream 1 Cub Scout uniform--size 42 long Five or six bottles of a good chardonnay 1 large bottle Astro-glide WEEK SIX Yukon Gold potatoes Heavy whipping cream Asparagus (only the freshest and thinnest spears, please) Eggs Lemons Gruyere cheese (aged, please) Walnuts Arugula Butter Olive oil Balsamic vinegar 6 yards white silk organdy 6 yards pale ivory taffeta At least a case of Chardonnay large tin Crisco - Henry Bent [Dey be livin' large all up in the prai-reee! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOPJ, Have you seen the latest Harper's edition? It has an article entitled The Case For Impeachment, which is a must read. Thanks to you, nearly all of the information covered in the article is old news to any Dirt reader. However, I can not get over my amazement and disgust that so many of the Capitol Hill elite have witnessed and discussed the criminal activities of this administration and have yet to do anything substantial to remedy the situation. Even John Conyers' introduction of a resolution to investigate said matters has fallen on deaf ears, despite the tomes of evidence presented to support impeachment. You know, I've read comments from you and your readers about rage fatigue, impotence and the feeling of hopelessness to which I can strongly identify. But it's instances such as this that renews and even strengthens my dying embers of anger, impotence be damned. Until the source of our rage is removed, this emotional rollercoast will persist and so must the acrimony. And though our heated words of disapproval have all the appearance of masturbation without the payoff, what else can we do, what else do we have? YOPGessier [Fast food, SUVs and a thousand channels of complete and utter crap. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Mr. Jerky... My first thought when I read this article was; "Well... perhaps she had it coming!" And then, just for fun, I started counting. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24... I got tired of counting at 24. Can you imagine? Cheers, Andy [Yes... yes I can. And have. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, There's a British sex web-site called London Derriere. Aram [Heheheh... I don't get it. - Jerky] *** **** *** You got bad dreams? I got some weird ones. I week ago, I dreamt that I had made out with Jenna Jameson (who by the way, was looking super hot with a white see-through dress) and I was thinking whether it was considered cheating on my boyfriend or not. When I finally woke up, I realized after about 15 minutes or so that it was just a dream; it was a true "Aw, Fuck!" moment. Of course I didn't tell my boyfriend, because he'd probably also be pissed that it was only a dream, too. The night after that, I dreamt that I was at a big event, like a Greek wedding or something, when I heard my godparents (who are at the moment both dead) saying, "Oh my, she's ruined herself, she's gained so much weight!" when in fact, I've lost over 15 pounds over the last few months. After waking up and wanting to beat someone/something up, I once again realized it was just a dream, and still the same dress size - a true "Phew!" moment. Sure, they didn't involve death elevators or gushing alien eggs; the weird thing was the *timing* and the goddamn *vivacity* of these dreams. I swear, if I hadn't woken up in the same bed of mine in Glyfada, Athens, Greece, I would have thought the dreams were real. And I'd still be calling up Jenna for seconds. Yours in crazy dreaming, Vicky D [Dream about ME next time! I'll try not to let you down. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, Have you thought this being an election year that this port thing may be another one of their distractions. You know sell the ports to an Arab country where the republicans could turn against bush and do the right thing protecting the country and all against this bad bad president who would sell our ports to these bad arabs so the repubs could look good back home. HMMM. Don [It would be one helluva risky move, but I guess it's possible. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky Muh Man, How 'bout helping out a dirty ole man and give me a link to the full size photo of Shizuka Arakwa that you have posted in the 2-23 dirt? At least I think that's who the skater is. I didn't watch much skating this Olympics. I kept watching for the two most popular sports on the entire earth... "People killing people" and "People fucking each other over". The US should be able to field one helluva team on those. Are those Summer Olympics? God, I'd hate to have missed it. While I have you on the line, so to speak, I have a couple questions. Is "W" looking and sounding more and more like a drunk in his public appearances lately, or is it my imagination? Lastly, has anything good ever come out of Texas? Inquiring minds want to know. TMIM [Here's some pics of the skater in question. Dubya sounding drunker? Yes indeed. Good things out of Texas? That's a tough one... Hmmm... Certain forms of chilli and BBQ, I guess. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Here's something that just sorta tickles those creepy freemason conspiracy hairs on the back of my neck. I saw a new FedEx ad, where they have a caveman sending something up in a pterodactyl's talons, then the pterodactyl gets eaten by another dinosaur, then the boss caveman asks if the first caveman used FedEx, and the first caveman complains it's not invented yet. The boss kicks him out of the cave, and a dinosaur stamps on him. OK, so being alert to "Intelligent Design" shenanigans, I'm immediately suspicious at this immediate moment about anything on TV that conflates cavemen and dinosaurs, as creationists definitely do. Cavemen rode dinosaurs in the ID set. So I decide to look into FedEx quickly. And I Google their CEO. He's a contemporary of Dubya's from Skull & Bones. Now I know I always make fun of you for grasping at straws when there's so much genuine chicanery afoot... so, I was wondering if you might return the favor and tell me that the FedEx ad is just a coincidence. Because I'm genuinely disturbed if it's not... ACD [Just watched the commercial here, and I have to say it seems pretty innocuous to me, in the tradition of The Flintstones and the comic strip BC. Of course, their 3-to-1 Republican over Democratic donation ratio and their use of subliminal advertizing does give one pause. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com